26

This week on November 30th, I finally touched 26 as the number of my age. It’s funny to think that now I’m closer to 30 than to 20. One thing that I started to always do on my birthday is my personal tradition of self-award. In 2018, I gave myself a new phone. In 2019, a book. Funnily enough, I can’t remember what I gave myself in 2020. Maybe I considered the new basketball shoes that I bought after the housefire as the gift that year… idk.

This year I intended to do the same, but somehow I can’t think of anything. Not a single thing crossed my mind. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a bunch of things that I have to buy. For example, clothes, or bookshelf, or a bean bag to be put in the new house. But those things feel like more of obligation, not satisfaction. I need to buy those things, not something that I craved badly. Recently I’m thinking of going on a solo trip. I thought that it’s my gift for this year. Aside from the unfavorable circumstances, like the weather condition and covid-19 — idk why but one day, the will to have a vacation is gone.

So I was wondering how and when I become like this. I would never have thought that I’ll meet a version of myself that doesn’t know what he wants. I never knew that I could be this… selfless. I have a theory that maybe this happens because of how things have turned on in my family. I sometimes feel that I’m the person in charge of this family. For any issue, whether it’s from my main family or my bigger family — I’m often the person to go to. Like Thomas Shelby from the tv show Peaky Blinders whose the head of the family even though he’s not the oldest. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bothered by it. Yes… sometimes I felt overwhelmed, but it’s not a big deal. So it got me thinking, “is it because of this?”. “Am I burying my own conscience? My natural mid 20’s persona because the situation forces me to think not only myself but also my family cause they depend on me”. Idk… I don’t know the answer to that now. Maybe I get it later on, or maybe not.

I also want to talk about a dream. A dream of mine that I believed just born. I’ve always been enthusiastic about education. I’m also one of the lucky ones who love what they do, working in the field of technology. This dream of mine is like a child of those two topics: technology and education. But I’m still afraid to do anything about it. I feel like I don’t even have the privilege to even think about it, let alone do something about it. “Mouths to fill” always haunted me. I don’t know for sure, but I think that’s something that would make me happy right now. That would be the gift that I would give to myself for this year. But I can’t. So instead, let’s just rest this “child” for a moment. When there’s a time in the future, where the situations permit and opportunity rises, let’s wrap this child up, and turn them into something that you envisioned.

Happy birthday — ferzos